I was sitting in the Torch office the Sunday before Valentine’s Day with about four other staff members when a card showed up in my mailbox. It came with a bouquet of heart-shaped suckers. The card was signed from my ‘secret admirer.’

I asked around, but no one knew where it came from . . . or was willing to fess up where it came from.

On Monday, my girlfriend stopped by the office and proceeded to hand out the suckers to everyone around at the time. There was no question in my mind that she was not the sender of the card; a few weeks ago it only took her about 10 minutes to crack when I found out that she had gotten us tickets to Thunder Nationals in Grand Rapids.

Monday evening a second card showed up. This one came with a heart-shaped box of chocolates. It pictured a train on the cover and read “choo-choo-choose me!”

Amela (my girlfriend) again passed out the chocolates (and ate a bunch of them) because I shouldn’t be enjoying the candies that another woman gave me.

Tuesday, it got weird. A third card appeared mysteriously with a monkey on the front. Inside the secret admirer wrote “if you want to stop this monkeying around, meet me Wednesday night at Schuberg’s at 7:30 p.m. The girlfriend isn’t invited.” The gift included a teddy bear that whistles when its tummy is squeezed.

When I showed this card to Amela, she asked if I was actually going to meet the sender. I replied by first assuring her that she doesn’t need to worry about the possibility of me going home with another girl, because I care about her very much. Then I reminded her of all the free candy we have been getting, and that I should milk this for all that it’s worth.

(This might be considered selfish, but I hope no one actually thinks that he or she can get someone to break up with their significant other by sending a few cards.)

I tell her that she should sneak in the back and hide out in a booth during the meal with a friend. She agrees.

At 7:30 I walk into the restaurant and see her sitting at a table right in the middle all by herself. I think to myself “oh great, the secret admirer will see her and not show up.” Amela gets up and approaches me while I sit at the bar. I try to tell her to go hide so the admirer doesn’t see her.

“Happy April Fool’s!” she says to me. Very confused, I ask her to go hide before she gets spotted, and remind her that April is over a month away.

Well, it turned out that she was the sender. I had spent the last three days talking to people about how it could never be her since she can’t keep secrets, especially not big ones. I was completely wrong. She had recruited a bunch of her friends to help write the notes, and some Torch staff to deliver them in secret.

Lucky for me, I went home every night and told her right up front that I got the notes, because she would have known if I didn’t. She had even thought about a side plot to ask me to the movies at 7 p.m., the night I had to be at Schuberg’s.

So it all ended well. I learned that I can never underestimate anyone’s ability to do something sneaky. Especially women.

A type of fairy dust that can re-grow fingers sounds too good to be true. Well, it isn’t true, to a degree. The ‘fairy dust’ is actually a type of extract of cells from a pig’s intestines and has demonstrated outstanding results in its application. I first read about the following testimony in an old Esquire magazine about a year ago and anyone around me long enough has already listened to my praises of it.

When Lee Spievack, a model airplane hobbyist, accidently chopped the tip of his finger off just above the bottom of the fingernail, he was told by doctors that a skin graft would be used to cover the end of the wound and he would be able to resume a very normal functionality of life with a noticeably shorter finger. Spievack’s brother Alan, a surgeon whose company is currently developing and testing the pig powder, suggested sprinkling the wound with this powder instead.

The result: by using the powder every other day for four weeks, Spievack re-grew the 3/8 of an inch he lost, including the nail and his fingerprint. According to Spievack, the new tip is firmer, as if it is calloused, and the new nail grows much more rapidly than the nails on the other fingers. But he also noted that this winter while walking around outside without his gloves on, he could feel the cold in all of his finger tips, including the re-grown one.

The powder is comprised of cells that promote re-growth, but unlike stem cells do not contain the DNA blueprint to do so. The powder doesn’t stimulate the growth of ‘pig cells’ in the body. Instead, the pig powder makes the body aware that tissue needs to be repaired and motivates the surrounding tissues to reproduce accordingly. One scientist likened it to scaffolding for the tissue reconstruction.

Perhaps what I find most exciting about this biomedical breakthrough is the diversity of potential applications of its use. Growing back finger tips can be the difference between being able to button and unbutton a shirt and dependency on others for daily tasks. Also, with greater study this system may possibly be used to regenerate skin for burn victims, or even partial limbs for combat men and women.

Though the science is still a long way off, the hope that we may be able to help individuals with spinal cord trauma by developing new nerve fibers or repair holes in people’s hearts is exciting. Even using the powder post operation on stitches or staples to reduce scarring could improve the quality of the outcome.

I cannot reiterate enough that the science is nowhere near the point where this may be used regularly with consistent results, but until that time comes we can imagine the uses of this pig powder. Ranging from regenerating muscle tissue after sports injuries become debilitating to athletes or healing wounds with less of a chance of developing scar tissue and overall maintaining functionality.

Other studies are being conducted using salamanders as a basis of research. Salamanders are capable of regenerating entire limbs if needed. Some tests have shown that if the newly developing cells are moved from the salamander’s shoulder area to its back, the new limb will grow there.

Research has not shown yet whether this limb is functional because, according to one scientist, salamanders are notoriously lazy. While the goal of the study is not to produce critters that can more easily scratch their own back, the hope is that with continued research the information can be implemented in addition to the pig powder.

He we have a possible medical solution that doesn’t use embryos or medical robotics. Just a little bit of magic powder, think lovely thoughts and results are within one’s grasp. Literally.

Editor’s Note: This is intended as a critical and comedic satire. Don’t take any of the following as absolute truth. Only you can decide what you believe.

Reports coming out on Darwin Day say that Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection conclusively disproves that the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” created mankind. Apparently, it reports we descended from monkeys because they were too furry and stupid to survive. Trends started to show that monkeys who could count all their fingers and had less hair on their bodies were more likely to survive.

There’s still hope though. Some of the monkeys miraculously defied nature’s natural course, allowing man and the inferior monkey to live together in harmony. As for those “inbetweeners,” as long as you either possess lots of intelligence, or are fairly hairless, you will survive just fine. Of course there are those who are the exception, namely Britney Spears. Her feeble attempt to shave her head only caused her more grief.

Some people are a little confused by these new findings. With it being pretty clear that Darwin never actually denied God, only claiming to be a moderate agnostic, people are wondering why his theories are being used for something he didn’t intend. There is even speculation, albeit highly skeptical, that Darwin accepted Christianity on his sickbed (stated in the 1915, “Lady Hope Story.”)

Darwin, the coerced messiah of evolutionists, was also honored by involuntarily lending his name to the popular, “Darwin Awards.” These awards are given to the less successful of monkey’s evolutionary descendants. One of the most recent awards was given to a 19-yearold man who tried to blow up an annoying truck, in turn, blowing himself up. Maybe monkeys were better off being monkeys. Perhaps that is why they stopped evolving.

This just in… Monkeys are storming the news rooms. Lots of monkeys are even bringing libel suits against the newsrooms for comparing them to humans. Some are even coming in hairless, trying to improve their survival rate, causing them to become severely sunburned. The latest reports show that the monkeys have captured Michael Jackson, adamantly trying to prove that he has no ancestral connection to monkeys.

It seems that while man is continually trying to prove their likeness to a seemingly inferior species, that same species just wants to live without having to feel like it needs to change. It seems that monkeys just want to be themselves. Some monkeys are even cursing Darwin, calling him a poser. They’re wondering why billions of seemingly intelligent humans want to believe that they used to be simple monkeys. Some monkeys are even claiming that Darwin was once an outcast that shaved all his fur and bleached his skin with hopes of trying to unite man and monkey by making the evolutionary connection. Despite his efforts, Monkeys still resent man for parasitically consuming the Earth, destroying all of their natural habitats.

Well folks, it seems that they’re bringing in the artillery. I guess I’ll have to vacate the premises and head back to the jungle. I hope you all come to your senses and stop claiming to be something that your not, but what am I thinking, no one would ever believe that a monkey could type in this horribly Americanized language you call English.

Just after John McCain’s big wins on Feb. 5, or otherwise known as Super Tuesday, a majority of the conservative base was not very pleased. The reason for this uneasiness with the religious Republican base was due to McCain’s questionable conservative values.

McCain’s voting record in the U.S. Senate has jumped all over the place for the past several years. During his presidential bid in 2000, McCain pulled in a lot of moderate Democrats and independents. A similar situation has been occurring so far this in the heated presidential primary season.

But one thing that McCain did not have in 2000 was the status of the party’s frontrunner. In 2000, he only won seven states, compared to the 43 others that George W. Bush claimed. Now that McCain is actually in the lead with 830 delegates. This is a sizable lead, as Mike Huckabee, is the nearest candidate still left in the race. Huckabee is still hanging tough with 214 pledged GOP delegates.

A couple interesting situations occurred this week that

First off, one of the more vocal and controversial conservative radio hosts, Rush Limbaugh, puffed out his arrogant chest on Tuesday. I should actually rephrase that last sentence. Besides puffing out his arrogant chest, he also made his own head and ego much larger.

On Tuesday, during his nationally syndicated radio talk show, Limbaugh claimed that “I’m McCain’s most valuable asset.” When I heard this statement, I laughed like crazy.

“If I really wanted to torpedo McCain, I would endorse him because that would send the independents and liberals who are going to vote for him running away faster than anything,” touted Limbaugh.

Limbaugh was one of those conservative media personalities that were questioning McCain’s conservative views. Rush has spoken out against McCain for quite some time now, but yet he is calling himself McCain’s biggest asset. I guess one can no longer say that John Kerry is the only popular flip-flopper.

To add fuel to Limbaugh’s arrogance fire, former senator Bob Dole wrote him a letter claiming McCain is a “mainstream conservative.” According to cnnpolitics.com, Dole went on to state that the Arizona senator “has supported the party on critical votes during Dole’s time as the Senate Republican leader.”

I guess Limbaugh has some type of vision that is able to see into the future. On Thursday, Mitt Romney endorsed John McCain. Now all of a sudden, a majority of the Republican Party is now supporting McCain. Wait, aren’t there still two other candidates left in the race? How could anybody forget about Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul?

As reported on the CNN Political Ticker on Friday, Huckabee was quoted saying, “I think still the Republican Party ought to be big enough to have the debate, the discussion and an election. I’m not just willing to be part of the coronation yet.”

Ever since Super Tuesday, Huckabee has been feeling some pressure from GOP party leaders to exit the race. This pressure increased tremendously after he picked up a couple wins in Louisiana and Kansas on Feb. 9. And to add more water behind the dam, Romney’s endorsement of McCain seems like it should be the final straw for his campaign. But on Thursday evening, Huckabee did not let this major announcement phase his bid for the White House.

At least Huckabee, and Ron Paul for that matter, have enough guts to stand up against the big wigs of the GOP. Another person that also has a lot of nerve is Rush Limbaugh. Going back to his radio show on Tuesday, Limbaugh stated:

“Couldn’t it be said, if somebody wanted to….that I am secretly supporting McCain, because I secretly do want him to win, but I know full well that if I come out and endorse him, he’s cooked? Who may be in this whole kit and caboodle, this whole shebang, the most valuable asset McCain has?”

“Me.”

Maybe Rush should just stick to deflating his big head on his radio show, and let the American citizens decide if they want another four years of cut and spend policies.

According to a Feb. 11 Associated Press article, Gov. Jennifer Granholm wants to raise the legal school dropout age to 18. I agree that it should be changed, but she’s pushing it in the wrong direction. Raising the dropout age to 18 will hurt the educational system, decrease quality of life for both dropouts and non-dropouts, and bring about negative moral and economic consequences.

Proponents of raising the dropout age often refer to irrelevant studies. According to the Montana Statewide Dropout Report 2000-01, there are higher unemployment rates among people without high school diplomas than among those with. Other studies show that people with high school diplomas earn more. But they fail to note that, though there are a few exceptions, the lack of ambition and work ethic that leads people to drop out of high school also prevents them from getting good jobs and getting promoted.

The type of person who finishes high school would still more likely be successful than the type of person who doesn’t, even if there were no such thing as school. Employers know this, so they use high school graduation as a factor in determining who to hire, assuming that, if people who dropped out are truly motivated, they will return to school and finish.

And most do. According to the National Center for Educational Statistics, “a majority of students who drop out of high school at least once go on to earn a high school diploma or alternative credential within several years (63 percent), and many enroll in a postsecondary institution (43 percent).”

At 16, students who drop out have not learned the value of education by being forced to stay in school for a decade. Why would forcing two more years change this? The only way they will learn the value of an education is to let them drop out and see what life is like without an education. In “Experiences of a High School Dropout,” Diana Moreno, who had dropped out of high school, wrote, “I’m in school now because I’ve decided that I want to have that diploma to wave it around like a gold medal.”

Most drop out because they found school boring and/or were getting horrible grades. According to the report, “Dimensions of Interest and Boredom in Instructional Situations,” boredom prevents people from learning. If we force them to stay, they will continue to be bored, barely scraping by with Cs and Ds. When they graduate, their GPAs will keep them away from many opportunities. Students who return after dropping out value education enough to work toward better grades, which will give them more opportunities and better prepare them for working in the real world.

Would-be dropouts who are forced to stay in school would make learning harder for students who want to be in school. According to a Jan. 14, 2005 Detroit News article, “A disruptive, detached student can drag down an entire class.”

If we don’t allow failing students to drop out of high school, we will encourage them to fail in more important endeavors later. We would be using force to keep students from learning about life, to waste taxpayer money, and to limit the freedoms of supposedly free people. I am not willing to have these things on my consciousness by supporting this bill.

I’m walking through campus, and a girl I know from class is walking towards me. When we reach the appropriate distance to begin a conversation, she asks “How’s it going?”

I, being extremely friendly, reply with “pretty good,” which resulted in a strange look from her. She asked me how I was, and I answered. She is now looking at me like I have lobsters coming out of my ears.

Oh, she was talking to someone with her Bluetooth.

I know it has been said that using hands free devices is the way to go when driving in your car. It’s supposed to be safer; you can have your hands at "10 and 2" instead of 12 and at your ear.

But what’s the rule when you’re walking around talking to someone other than the person you’re looking at?

I’m looking, searching, reading, and nope, nothing has been said about the safety benefits from using a hands free device while walking down the sidewalk. Reports also fail to say how ridiculous people look when talking to someone with a handsfree device.

Granted the Bluetooth devices look like bugs crawling out of people’s ears; which is ridiculous factor number one, and then it looks like people are talking to themselves; which concerns everyone around them.

A couple weeks later, on the day that I wrote this, I was walking towards the UREC when a guy begins rapping behind me. I wasn’t too concerned, people burst into song all the time. I can’t count how many times my friends began singing La Vie Boheme last winter through the quad.

This was slightly worrisome, however. He would rap, then say something, then rap again. I was unsure if he was rapping to his headphones or to himself.

Am I the only one that is incapable of telling when people are talking to themselves or somehow connected to an electronic device?

It’s coming to the point where I check for something in someone’s ear before replying to their “Hello.”

That’s what this world has come to; we are uncertain if we are actually being spoken to. Granted in middle school the cute guy could have been talking to the pommer behind you, and would give you a weird look when you responded to his hello.

Now, forget it. Before the cute guy understood why you were confused, now people expect you to notice the crazy small device sticking in their ear, and how dare you not realize they are in the middle of a very important phone call to the same person they just saw.

I wish I knew of a solution, but the only thing I can think of is this: If you’re not driving don’t use a hands-free device, you look ridiculous with it anyway. If you’re listening to headphones please don’t feel the need to sing along.

The “Vagina Monologues” is a disgrace to women everywhere and I am ashamed that it is a 5-Star event at Ferris. First of all, the advertising methods for the play are extremely sexist, such as the pin that reads, “I love my vagina.” Oh sure, it’s fine if a woman wears one of these, but what if a man wore a pin that reads, “I love my penis.” Everyone would think he was quite a pervert, so there is definitely a double standard.

I understand that the purpose of this event is to help stop violence against women, but it is not the correct way to achieve this goal. How does a woman moaning onstage as if she is having a triple orgasm stop violence?

There is one monologue in particular that is very disturbing. It is called “The Little Coochi Snorcher that Could,” and in this monologue a 16-year-old girl describes how a 24-year-old woman gives her enough vodka to make her drunk, makes her masturbate, and then they have some sort of lesbian sex. When a 16-year-old and an adult have sex, it is a crime - statutory rape. Isn’t this in itself violence against women? If a man did this to a 16-year old, he would be in jail. But no, in this case violence against women is okay because the women are the ones doing it!

I could go on for days about how the Vagina Monologues are destructive to women (but I have to keep this under 300 words). None of the content has anything to do with how to end violence against women. The only worthwhile thing that the “Vagina Monologue” does is donate its proceeds to a charity, such as a domestic violence shelter.

Callista Gloss

I am a woman. But I am not a feminist. I do not go around declaring my superiority to men, and I do not declare to be empowered by my vagina. Why then, does a physical representation of one need to be on the advertisement for this year’s Vagina Monologues?

I am not criticizing the cause behind this event. It is important to raise awareness about mistreated women.

But putting a picture of a vagina on a poster isn’t going to do that. All that does is make people think the wrong thing about such a notable event. This poster is going up all over campus and many places in the community.

“Vagina” is not a word that many young children know. However, if a picture is placed next to it, it doesn’t take long before a child is able to figure out what grownups are talking about.

Laws of decency and obscenity must be followed in this country. If you can’t buy a picture like this in a magazine until you’re 18, why should you be allowed to look at this picture on an advertisement?

Vagina Monologues proponents will argue that the picture represented is not an actual vagina; but the intent is to appear as close to one as you can without actually being obscene.

But if that isn’t the point, why would you even put that picture on your advertisement? I am here to say that any picture of this sort IS obscene. Period. It is not necessary to get the point across, and I am shocked that such wonderful people on our campus will resort to indecency just to sell tickets.

Natalie Laurence

Editor’s Note : Logo in question was not created by Ferris. It is the national logo for vday. org

A Ferris Professor walks into a County Road Commission; the beginning of a joke? Kind of, but this really happened. On February 14th a professor walked in and wanted to know who she must talk to in order to get her road plowed, because she had to feed her dogs and her neighbors assured her should could not get through without four wheel drive because there was at least eighteen inches of snow on the road (we got eight inches, and not by that point in the evening). She also declared that her road does not see a plow for three of four days at a time (not true. I live on a secondary road in the same county, and after a few inches of snow it only looks like it hasn’t seen a plow in days).

When the Road Commission driver explained to her that after five pm., the crew is compelled by the board and the state to concentrate on freeways and highways (including the highway she just rode into town on), she was upset. He further explained that the crew was only pulled from the highways when there was an emergency. She actually said, “So if I call my neighbors and tell them to set my garage on fire, you’ll go plow my road?” She said it jokingly, but come on lady!

She also asked if she should ask for a tax refund because her road doesn’t get plowed. She was then informed that the fuel tax, not property taxes or income taxes, pay for the Road Commission. Even those who drive big, fuel sucking SUV’s do not pay enough in fuel tax each year to have their individual roads plowed.

The Road Commissions in Michigan do a wonderful job. One of my favorite people at Ferris, Mrs. Diane Griffin, once said that Road Commission drivers “are the heroes of the North”.

One final note to that professor and all people in power, be careful who you aren’t exactly nice to, especially if you have no understanding of their jobs; that person might turn out to be a former student’s spousal equivalent.

Cindy Gregerson