If Jason Statham is the
greatest B-movie action star
of our day (and he is), then
the “Crank” movies are his
showcase. These gonzo, amoral,
politically incorrect rides
put the ripped, bald and mean
Statham through his paces like
nothing else in his action repertoire.
And unlike the decline
and fall of “The Transporter”
series, the latest “Crank”
shows few signs of slacking
off the pace.
We know Chev Chelios died
at the end of “Crank,” plummeting
to his death as he pummeled
his nemesis mid-fall. In
“Crank: High Voltage,” Chev
has been scooped off the street
and kept alive for organ harvest
by Chinese doctors working
in the back of a Chinatown
brothel. Chev (Statham) wakes
up post-op, realizes he has an
artificial heart and quickly
learns from his underworld
surgeon pal (Dwight Yoakam,
on his game) that he needs
to get his real heart back and
that he has about an hour to
do it, depending on stops for
re-jolting the apparatus in his
chest.
“Juice me.”
Many characters from
“Crank” take a second bow in
this blast through a manic hour
in L.A.’s strip clubs, brothels,
horse tracks and gay bars.
Corey Haim is now the bouncer
who watches over pole-dancer
Eve (Amy Smart, naked again,
fearless and hilarious). Kaylo
is dead, but his gay brother
(Efren Ramirez) who suffers
from “full body Tourette’s” is
here to help Chev. As is the
nuttiest, trashiest hooker on
the streets, Rai (Bai Ling, taking
a stereotype to hysterical
extremes).
And Chev needs the help.
He has cars to hijack, Latin
and Chinese villains to shoot
or pound, cops to fend off and
a little ice chest that he figures
has his heart in it to retrieve.
Cameos pepper this sequel.
Porn stars walk a porn star
actor’s picket line (Ron
Jeremy among them) and
David Carradine goofs on his
“Kung Fu” miscasting (he’s
an aged Chinese gang lord).
And was that John de Lancie
(“Star Trek’s” Q) as a cynical,
profane newscaster?
At every turn, Chev, the
British-born hit man who
is all but impossible to kill,
slaps, stabs, punches and pistol
whips everyone who gets
in his way. When he sodomizes
a hefty villain with a shotgun
in an early scene, you
can’t help but remember how
amusingly amoral and over
the top the original “Crank”
was. Tarantino and company
tried to make a “Grindhouse”
movie. These filmmakers actually
did.
Statham was defiantly
unapologetic about doing these
movies the one time I asked
him about them _ “I love those
guys!” Those guys being codirectors
Mark Neveldine and
Brian Taylor, jump-cut kings
who chop-chop-chop until
the movie jerks to life like
Frankenstein’s monster getting
“the juice.” The movie is a
cartoon of action, slap-happy
captions and subtitles, Looney
Toons sound effects and horrific violence. It’s the closest
thing the movies have ever
seen to a video game transformed
into a movie. Here’s
the quest, here’s who you have
to kill to achieve it, here’s your
time limit. Gamers should be
“Crank’s” biggest fans.
A good idea _ a flashback
to Chev’s video-game-addicted
youth, a violent lad worth
interviewing on British tabloid
TV, even at 12.
A good idea abandoned—
Chev’s English slang, explained
in captions, “Strawberry tart”
(heart), “sausage Nigels” (figure
it out). The film presents
the guy as a bigot at war with
a world of gay and brown and
yellow people. “Mighty white
of you” is the one publishable
put-down.
It’s so amped up that “High
Voltage” suffers its own energy
shortage well before the finale.
It’s also every bit as stupid as it
sounds.
But when the book is finally
written on the career of Jason
Statham, it won’t be the flashy
Guy Ritchie debut (“Lock,
Stock and Two Smoking
Barrels”) or the hard-nosed
“Bank Job” he’ll be remembered
for. A scowling coiledspring
of an actor, he needs a
“Crank” surrounding him just
to keep up.